This is the one thing about motherhood that doesn't get easier regardless of the number of kids you have. For me, it's only gotten harder. I can't really put my finger on it, but I think it has to do with the fact that I have to leave ALL 3 of my kids in the responsible hands of someone else. I worry about what they're doing, if they're happy, if they're learning. What if they are scared? Do they need me? Do they miss me? Probably not...but I'll tell you, I miss them more than I can even explain.
I've never considered myself a SAHM, but after having baby number 2 and 3 I was blessed to be able to stay home for almost a year after each of their births, which I'm sure, is the reason why it is so hard to go back.
In my heart of hearts, I want to have a career. I do want to work, but the desire and drive is temporarily being put on the back burner because I just want to be mommy. We have bills and debt and other things that require me to work so it really isn't fair to bitch and moan about something that I need to do. My family needs my contribution.
Another thing that makes this transition difficult is the fact that it is, in fact, a transition. I don't do well with change. Talk about anxiety overdrive! I repeatedly ask myself, how in the world am I going to juggle the needs of 3 kids, my husband, the house, and not to mention myself, on top of having to work full time? How is it possible without going bat-shit crazy? I don't have an answer for this. And, I suppose, that I'll figure it out as I go along, but that doesn't help to alleviate my anxiety.
I somehow have this ridiculous fear that my kids will resent me when I tell them I can't come to their school function or game or whatever because I can't get out of work. Like I said, ridiculous. But, I can't help feeling this way.
I know I'll get over this hump. I've done it twice before and I just have to hope that I can do it again. I have tell myself that one day my kids will be proud that I was a working mommy and they won't resent me.
How did you adjust to having to go back to work after having your kids?
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
Childhood Apraxia of Speech--Our Journey has just begun
For those that have never heard of Apraxia (as many have not), it is a neurological disorder that affects a child's ability to verbally communicate. It's a motor-planning deficit, which basically means that the part of the brain that tells our mouth to form the thoughts in our head into words is impaired in a way. I knew almost nothing about CAS prior to my 2 year being diagnosed with it just a few months ago.
I knew from the time that she was about 18 months that she was a little behind in her speech development. At first, I just thought she was delayed and that she'd eventually catch up. I told myself that after the new year, if she didn't start developing anymore words that I would call Early Intervention and have her evaluated. By the time she was 21 months she only had about 7 words (approximations) so EI came and did their evaluation and my concerns became a reality. According to their evaluation, she was developing beautifully in all areas except for expressive language, therefore qualifying for services. Yay. I was hopeful that this would be the answer for her (us) and she would begin speaking. Not exactly. The therapist that came to the house was great. She worked with my daughter and they spent the hour playing productively. But, nothing was happening. She still wasn't talking. We were doing everything they suggested to us. Labeling, labeling, labeling everything in sight. We gave her all of her liquids from a straw, we practiced blowing bubbles, we practiced animal sounds, we read books, we played. We did it all, and no major speech developments were made.
It was frustrating. It didn't help that all along, I though that there was something else going on with her that EI didn't address. Why wasn't she talking? And even more, when she did, it barely ever sounded like a real word--just sounds (approximations). For example: muh=more, buh=book, dada=daddy, etc. In addition, she continued to put everything in her mouth. I was assured that this was "age appropriate" and that it usually resolves itself by age 2.
Nope. It didn't. It got worse. She was biting, hitting, and pinching mainly out of frustration, but also because I suspected there was some oral-sensory things going on too (this typically occurs with children who have CAS).
So what is a parent to do when they have questions and concerns. You go to Google. That's where I found information on Childhood Apraxia of Speech and I couldn't believe how many of the indicators that my daughter had. How had EI missed this? It made me angry, because I felt like she needed more services than they were offering and now I am going to have to battle for them, and I wasn't sure how to go about doing this. It's very intimidating for those who've never been in this position, but I had to do what was best for my daughter.
After thinking it through, I decided to take her to a private Speech therapist for an evaluation or basically a second opinion. They were the ones who confirmed my suspicion of CAS. We are fortunate enough to have insurance coverage for speech therapy!!! Such a blessing.
We began therapy and we started to slowly see some development. They assured me that my decision to bring her in for therapy now rather than later was a wise decision. They assured me that 2 years old is NOT too young to be diagnosed with CAS. They assured me that with commitment to speech therapy and practice at home that my daughter will speak. It will be a long road, but she will talk.
Some days when she's whining and throwing fits because she can't get the words out of her mouth for why she's upset or tell me that she needs something, I feel like I'm in a tunnel and there's no way out. I feel helpless because I can't figure out what she wants. It sucks. You see your beautiful, smart, kind little girl who wants nothing more than to talk to you. You can see it in her eyes. She wants to tell you that she's angry or upset. She wants to tell you what she wants to play or watch on TV. Some days it's just heartbreaking.
Then there are other days when she works her little butt off at therapy and she is beyond proud of herself. Then you can see the happiness in her eyes. The determination and hard work pays off. I've never in my life seen a child give 100% at something that was so incredibly hard for them to do. Most people would give up. Not her.
It's no doubt that my little girl has a long, tough road ahead of her. But, I know that God is challenging her because he knows she CAN handle this. I might not have a clue what I'm doing, but I know she's got this. She's going to teach me things that I never knew. I am going to be a better parent because of her. Some days I have to tell myself this in order to keep me going when I want to scream and give up.
This is just a snap shot in our journey with CAS. There, undoubtedly, will be more to come. We are learning as we go.
My sweet girl.
I knew from the time that she was about 18 months that she was a little behind in her speech development. At first, I just thought she was delayed and that she'd eventually catch up. I told myself that after the new year, if she didn't start developing anymore words that I would call Early Intervention and have her evaluated. By the time she was 21 months she only had about 7 words (approximations) so EI came and did their evaluation and my concerns became a reality. According to their evaluation, she was developing beautifully in all areas except for expressive language, therefore qualifying for services. Yay. I was hopeful that this would be the answer for her (us) and she would begin speaking. Not exactly. The therapist that came to the house was great. She worked with my daughter and they spent the hour playing productively. But, nothing was happening. She still wasn't talking. We were doing everything they suggested to us. Labeling, labeling, labeling everything in sight. We gave her all of her liquids from a straw, we practiced blowing bubbles, we practiced animal sounds, we read books, we played. We did it all, and no major speech developments were made.
It was frustrating. It didn't help that all along, I though that there was something else going on with her that EI didn't address. Why wasn't she talking? And even more, when she did, it barely ever sounded like a real word--just sounds (approximations). For example: muh=more, buh=book, dada=daddy, etc. In addition, she continued to put everything in her mouth. I was assured that this was "age appropriate" and that it usually resolves itself by age 2.
Nope. It didn't. It got worse. She was biting, hitting, and pinching mainly out of frustration, but also because I suspected there was some oral-sensory things going on too (this typically occurs with children who have CAS).
So what is a parent to do when they have questions and concerns. You go to Google. That's where I found information on Childhood Apraxia of Speech and I couldn't believe how many of the indicators that my daughter had. How had EI missed this? It made me angry, because I felt like she needed more services than they were offering and now I am going to have to battle for them, and I wasn't sure how to go about doing this. It's very intimidating for those who've never been in this position, but I had to do what was best for my daughter.
After thinking it through, I decided to take her to a private Speech therapist for an evaluation or basically a second opinion. They were the ones who confirmed my suspicion of CAS. We are fortunate enough to have insurance coverage for speech therapy!!! Such a blessing.
We began therapy and we started to slowly see some development. They assured me that my decision to bring her in for therapy now rather than later was a wise decision. They assured me that 2 years old is NOT too young to be diagnosed with CAS. They assured me that with commitment to speech therapy and practice at home that my daughter will speak. It will be a long road, but she will talk.
Some days when she's whining and throwing fits because she can't get the words out of her mouth for why she's upset or tell me that she needs something, I feel like I'm in a tunnel and there's no way out. I feel helpless because I can't figure out what she wants. It sucks. You see your beautiful, smart, kind little girl who wants nothing more than to talk to you. You can see it in her eyes. She wants to tell you that she's angry or upset. She wants to tell you what she wants to play or watch on TV. Some days it's just heartbreaking.
Then there are other days when she works her little butt off at therapy and she is beyond proud of herself. Then you can see the happiness in her eyes. The determination and hard work pays off. I've never in my life seen a child give 100% at something that was so incredibly hard for them to do. Most people would give up. Not her.
It's no doubt that my little girl has a long, tough road ahead of her. But, I know that God is challenging her because he knows she CAN handle this. I might not have a clue what I'm doing, but I know she's got this. She's going to teach me things that I never knew. I am going to be a better parent because of her. Some days I have to tell myself this in order to keep me going when I want to scream and give up.
This is just a snap shot in our journey with CAS. There, undoubtedly, will be more to come. We are learning as we go.
My sweet girl.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
My big girl turns 5
It's late and I am tired, but I still wanted to write out this post so bear with me if I ramble and get off topic....
I don't know what it is about turning 5 but I think for me, it's the first of those "milestone" birthdays. Tomorrow she's going to be a whole hand! I look back (and even though it's only been 5 years) and my heart is filled with nothing but happiness and love. She was my first baby. My first for almost everything as a momma. So far, at least.
Things were hard in the beginning. I had to go back to work when she was only 8 weeks old. I was a hot mess to say the least. I missed her and my anxiety (something that really never existed for me before having children) ran through the roof. I wanted nothing more than to be home with her. But, that wasn't in the cards for many reasons, and still isn't. After awhile we got in our groove and I learned to adjust to the huge change in my life. She was such a good baby. So pleasant and sweet. She made you work for that smile, but made it well worth the effort.
Watching her grow into a toddler, and then a preschooler, and now a KINDERGARTNER!!! I cannot believe it. Sometimes I look at her and I can't believe what a well-rounded, smart, caring, and beautiful little person she is. She loves everything about life and somedays I wish I had half her spirit and love for life. I don't want that quality about her to ever change. She's the type of kid who wakes up every.single.day in a good mood. Always wakes up with smile on her face. How is she my kid...because anyone who knows me, knows I'm nothing like that! Her love for life is a gift that I hope she never lets anyone take from her.
God sent this little girl (and my other 2 babies) into my life and I couldn't be more blessed to be their mother. Somedays are hard and sometimes I feel like the biggest failure on the planet. I yell, I scream, and sometimes I'm not the nicest mom, yet she still loves me anyway. She tells me almost everyday that I'm the greatest mom. How is that possible? How did I get so lucky to be given the gift of being a mom to her and her siblings? Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for them.
So, tomorrow she turns 5 (actually at 4:29 a.m.) and we are going to fill her room with balloons for the 2nd year in a row. Last year when we did it, she thought it was magical. I hope she feels the same tomorrow. I hope that she can still feel the magic years down the road. I want all of her dreams to come true.
Happy 5th Birthday J! Mommy loves you!
I don't know what it is about turning 5 but I think for me, it's the first of those "milestone" birthdays. Tomorrow she's going to be a whole hand! I look back (and even though it's only been 5 years) and my heart is filled with nothing but happiness and love. She was my first baby. My first for almost everything as a momma. So far, at least.
Things were hard in the beginning. I had to go back to work when she was only 8 weeks old. I was a hot mess to say the least. I missed her and my anxiety (something that really never existed for me before having children) ran through the roof. I wanted nothing more than to be home with her. But, that wasn't in the cards for many reasons, and still isn't. After awhile we got in our groove and I learned to adjust to the huge change in my life. She was such a good baby. So pleasant and sweet. She made you work for that smile, but made it well worth the effort.
Watching her grow into a toddler, and then a preschooler, and now a KINDERGARTNER!!! I cannot believe it. Sometimes I look at her and I can't believe what a well-rounded, smart, caring, and beautiful little person she is. She loves everything about life and somedays I wish I had half her spirit and love for life. I don't want that quality about her to ever change. She's the type of kid who wakes up every.single.day in a good mood. Always wakes up with smile on her face. How is she my kid...because anyone who knows me, knows I'm nothing like that! Her love for life is a gift that I hope she never lets anyone take from her.
God sent this little girl (and my other 2 babies) into my life and I couldn't be more blessed to be their mother. Somedays are hard and sometimes I feel like the biggest failure on the planet. I yell, I scream, and sometimes I'm not the nicest mom, yet she still loves me anyway. She tells me almost everyday that I'm the greatest mom. How is that possible? How did I get so lucky to be given the gift of being a mom to her and her siblings? Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for them.
So, tomorrow she turns 5 (actually at 4:29 a.m.) and we are going to fill her room with balloons for the 2nd year in a row. Last year when we did it, she thought it was magical. I hope she feels the same tomorrow. I hope that she can still feel the magic years down the road. I want all of her dreams to come true.
Happy 5th Birthday J! Mommy loves you!
Sunday, July 7, 2013
3 kids and the swim club...not for the weak.
So, our family has belonged to a swim club for 3 summers now. It's fun.
Or should I say, used to be.
Now, I'm not trying to go all Negative Nancy here, but when I tell you that bringing 3 kids under the age to a pool club for the afternoon is NOT for the weak. Exhausting, frustrating, and gross only begin to scratch the surface. Yes, I love to see the happy faces of my children as they scream and squeal and splash around. They love playing with their friends and squirting each other with the water guns. Yes, it's fun. For awhile everyone is swimming and playing and....
.......then this happens.
You're sitting down trying to take a break after entertaining a 7 month old in the pool for a half hour while your 2 year-old has a snack. Suddenly you see brownish water dripping from her seat. You know immediately what it is. Gross.
And so the fun begins.
Changing a dirty swim diaper (those things SUCK by the way) that is not only filled with poop, but is also drenched might be one of the nastiest things about motherhood. It trumps an explosive blow-out diaper any day. I won't gross you out with the details...I'm sure you get the picture. You try to find a somewhat private place to change her because the last thing you want is other parents seeing her dripping in water-poop and thinking she contaminated the pool. Gross.
So then you get her cleaned up and things are calm, until the 5 year old has to pee. Then, the baby wants to nurse. Next, the 5 year old is hungry. After that, the 2 year old slips and falls in the split second you weren't watching her and you go leaping into the pool to rescue her. Once she's calmed down and not crying hysterically, you think you have a second to just relax, maybe have a snack, check Facebook or just zone out while your husband holds down the fort for a few minutes. HA!
At the end of the day, the kids had fun but it's one of those days of mommy-hood that you wish your kids were older, potty-trained, and able to feed themselves! I know those days will come soon enough, and when they do, I'm sure I'll look back and laugh at the water logged-poopy diapers, breastfeeding in the heat, and countless trips to the potty with fondness and wish they didn't pass by so quickly.
Or should I say, used to be.
Now, I'm not trying to go all Negative Nancy here, but when I tell you that bringing 3 kids under the age to a pool club for the afternoon is NOT for the weak. Exhausting, frustrating, and gross only begin to scratch the surface. Yes, I love to see the happy faces of my children as they scream and squeal and splash around. They love playing with their friends and squirting each other with the water guns. Yes, it's fun. For awhile everyone is swimming and playing and....
.......then this happens.
You're sitting down trying to take a break after entertaining a 7 month old in the pool for a half hour while your 2 year-old has a snack. Suddenly you see brownish water dripping from her seat. You know immediately what it is. Gross.
And so the fun begins.
Changing a dirty swim diaper (those things SUCK by the way) that is not only filled with poop, but is also drenched might be one of the nastiest things about motherhood. It trumps an explosive blow-out diaper any day. I won't gross you out with the details...I'm sure you get the picture. You try to find a somewhat private place to change her because the last thing you want is other parents seeing her dripping in water-poop and thinking she contaminated the pool. Gross.
So then you get her cleaned up and things are calm, until the 5 year old has to pee. Then, the baby wants to nurse. Next, the 5 year old is hungry. After that, the 2 year old slips and falls in the split second you weren't watching her and you go leaping into the pool to rescue her. Once she's calmed down and not crying hysterically, you think you have a second to just relax, maybe have a snack, check Facebook or just zone out while your husband holds down the fort for a few minutes. HA!
At the end of the day, the kids had fun but it's one of those days of mommy-hood that you wish your kids were older, potty-trained, and able to feed themselves! I know those days will come soon enough, and when they do, I'm sure I'll look back and laugh at the water logged-poopy diapers, breastfeeding in the heat, and countless trips to the potty with fondness and wish they didn't pass by so quickly.
Starting over. . .
Well, my original blog and all the posts that I started over a year ago have been removed according to Blogger. So, I here's to starting over. I had some updates to do anyway (like adding a new baby to the mix) so I guess it's really no big deal that I had to restart this blog. There will be more to come so stay tuned (no, not more kids). If you like a sassy and sarcastic perspective on things you've come to the right place. I am full of things to share and now I just have to make a genuine effort at doing it. Easier said then done, right?
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