Me, a runner?

Like, seriously I never ever would have classified myself in that column.  I mean, never.  I have always hated running or getting sweaty for that matter.  It wasn't until after I had my 2nd child that I joined a gym for the first time and actually started taking fitness classes.  I don't do the boring treadmill or weight lifting, but I do enjoy the fitness classes at the gym.

Recently, my friend and I started walking a few nights a week, just around our neighborhood.  We circle around 3 times and that totals about 2 miles.  Not too shabby.  The other night, while on my way to start our walk, I decided to pick up the pace to see how long I could actually run before I was ready to never do it again.  And, much to my surprise, it felt good.  I didn't want to stop.  So weird.

I feel motivated and I really don't know why.  I want to see how far I can go.  I want to push myself.

Since having 3 kids let's just say that the muscles "down there" aren't like they used to be.  One swift move could be enough for me to wet my pants so I have to be careful with running...that could get embarrassing!

I will see where this takes me.  I wanted to document this because who knows where I will be in a year.  Maybe this is just a phase and it will fizzle out, or maybe this is something that I will enjoy.

Only time will tell, I guess.

Jealous

This topic has me angry and hurt and my words might come out laced with venom, but just understand that these are my thoughts and emotions at this time.

Pre-children, I always had the vision that my kids would spend a lot of time with their grandparents, because naturally, one would think that grandparents would want to spend oodles of time with their grandchildren.

I've come to learn that is totally not the case in our lives.  I think, maybe, at one point before we added a 3rd little bundle of joy to our family, that maybe it could have been the case.  But, it's not.

My children's grandparents have never offered to my husband and I to take ALL 3 kids for an amount of time so that we could have some time to ourselves.  And when I say rarely, I pretty much mean never.  

Now, before anyone says something stupid like, "Well, do you ask them?"

My response, "Of course we have asked them."  And a few of the times we were told that they had something else they had to do.

I'm sorry, but hearing "No" from your own parents that they couldn't watch the kids because they had laundry to fold stings just a little.  Or, when you ask, are given a list of conditions to which are pretty inconvenient to us and the kids.  Sometimes I just want to keep the kids in their familiar surroundings rather than schlep them over to grandparents house, especially if our plans keep us out after bedtime.  That isn't a selfish thing to ask, is it?  I mean, come on, they're your grandchildren.  Can we put their needs first?

So, after awhile, it's just easier to pay one of our sitters to come to the house for a few hours so we can get out.  Sure, it sucks we have to pay this person, but what are our other alternatives?

I'm so sick of seeing friends of ours who's parents are always helping them out with the kids.  They come over to play with them or take them places or offer to cook dinner.  They offer to help them clean up or organize for a party, or they take the kids off their hands so that they can get stuff done.  Another one that stings is when I see my friends parents helping with their kids while their spouse and them host guests or whatever.  They change diapers, they make sure the kids are fed, and they just overall keep an eye on them so that the parents can make sure their guests are taken care of.  I'm not going to lie, it makes me jealous.  And, it hurts.

I understand 3 kids is a lot of work.  Trust me, I do it everyday.  But, it's not impossible.  My kids are pretty low-maintenance.  They're well-behaved and not to mention, cute as hell.  Is it really so much work to take them out back to play on the swings, or walk them to the park or offer to change a dirty diaper?

I'm really over the messages and the texts that say "I miss the kiddos."  Oh yeah, you miss the kiddos?  So, what are you telling me?  Is that your way of offering to come over one night to babysit so we can have a night out?  Or are you asking to come over so I can make dinner while you ignore my kids and play Candy Crush on your phone while my kids practically beg for you to play with them?  No, thank you.

We have an extremely busy life every day of the week.  Between speech and occupational therapies, dance class, exercise, after school activities, and not to forget, my husband's business that keeps him busy a few weekends each month, it's pretty evident that we don't really have the "time" to be hosting dinners because the grandparents can "miss" the kids.  Some nights, I'm lucky if we can get something more than chicken nuggets and pasta on the table.  If you want to offer to bring take-out for us and come over to see the kids, that would be greatly appreciated.  But, this has rarely happened.

Moral of the my story are pretty simple.  Kids are only young for short time.  Eventually they'll grow up and they'll realize who genuinely wants to spend time with them.  They'll know which family member they want to spend time with.  Kids are smart like that.  Having grandchildren is more than just hanging pictures up of them and than bragging about them to people when they ask about them.



If anything, at least now I know what type of grandparent I want to be to my future grandchildren......


To my kids:  I will take your babies off your hands for a little while when it's convenient for you.  I will do my best to make sure it's convenient for you.  I will offer to take them over night and play with them.  I will offer to bring dinner over during the week because I know how tough it is to juggle work and school and kids day in and day out.  I won't invite myself over and expect a hot meal because I know how tough it is just to get your own family fed.  Your kids come first, but your dad and I will be there to help you unconditionally because that's what we want to do.   Love, Mommy

You have 3 kids?!?!

That's the response that I get when I tell people about my children.  Yes, I have 3.

Is that odd?  Do I look under-qualified to raise 3 kids?  Why are you surprised?

Those are the questions that immediately pop in my head though I never ask them.  But, it's what brings me to this post.

My husband and I have lots of friends and about 90% of them are now married and since have had kids, most of which are all around the same ages as our own kids.  Kids kids everywhere.  Out of our close friends with kids, we are the only ones (with the exception of a few other couples) that have more than 2.  We are always asked, "we don't know how you do it with 3."  "I can barely do it with only 1."

Are you freakin' kidding me?

So, that gets me thinking back to the few short years when we had only 1 kid.  I think about the very beginning (which was tough).  And then I think back to her first holiday, than 1st Birthday, and so on.  I can't ever remember parenting her being a challenge.  It was just her.  I was essentially 2 against 1.  Automatically, we win.  She's outnumbered.  Right?  I mean, sure, there were tough times.  She was (and still is) a PICKY eater.  She didn't sleep through the night until almost 8 months.  But other than that, it was walk in the park.  She no other siblings to contend with or gang up against us with.

So, I can't figure out how these women (who are friends of mine) can sit and tell me how they can barely make it out alive with just one kid.  What is going on?  I know all kids come in different shapes, sizes, and levels of need, but come on.  Gimme a break.

It takes a lot for me  NOT to tell them to drop by my place when I'm trying to prepare dinner with all 3 kids and no husband home to help.  I'll gladly go get a pedicure and hand the reigns over to them for an hour while the 5 year is fighting with the 2 year old causing her to tantrum on the kitchen floor, along with the 10 month old who is trying to climb up your leg while your peeling vegetables.

Now, don't mistake the above for complaining.  It's not.  And I say that because I never once have gushed to another mom about how tough it is having 3 kids.  It was our choice to have that many.  We knew it was going to be tough.  It is, and we expected that.

I'm also not trying to toot my horn, because hell, there are plenty of people who have 4+ kids and never would I say how hard my 3 are.  Or, "I don't know how you do it with 5 kids."

You just do.

So anyway, I'm not sure where else I'm going with this.  It just all hit me today while we were at a birthday party and I was once again told, "I just don't know how you do it with 3"  "I can barely handle 1."  I just smile and nod politely and sometimes offer them validation of their statement, that yes, it is hard at times.  What I would like to say is...

"Are you freakin' kidding me?"

I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go....

This is the one thing about motherhood that doesn't get easier regardless of the number of kids you have.  For me, it's only gotten harder.  I can't really put my finger on it, but I think it has to do with the fact that I have to leave ALL 3 of my kids in the responsible hands of someone else.  I worry about what they're doing, if they're happy, if they're learning.  What if they are scared?  Do they need me? Do they miss me?  Probably not...but I'll tell you, I miss them more than I can even explain.

I've never considered myself a SAHM, but after having baby number 2 and 3 I was blessed to be able to stay home for almost a year after each of their births, which I'm sure, is the reason why it is so hard to go back.

In my heart of hearts, I want to have a career.  I do want to work, but the desire and drive is temporarily being put on the back burner because I just want to be mommy.  We have bills and debt and other things that require me to work so it really isn't fair to bitch and moan about something that I need to do. My family needs my contribution.

Another thing that makes this transition difficult is the fact that it is, in fact, a transition.  I don't do well with change.  Talk about anxiety overdrive!  I repeatedly ask myself, how in the world am I going to juggle the needs of 3 kids, my husband, the house, and not to mention myself, on top of having to work full time?  How is it possible without going bat-shit crazy?  I don't have an answer for this.  And, I suppose, that I'll figure it out as I go along, but that doesn't help to alleviate my anxiety.

I somehow have this ridiculous fear that my kids will resent me when I tell them I can't come to their school function or game or whatever because I can't get out of work.  Like I said, ridiculous.  But, I can't help feeling this way.

I know I'll get over this hump.  I've done it twice before and I just have to hope that I can do it again.  I have tell myself that one day my kids will be proud that I was a working mommy and they won't resent me.

How did you adjust to having to go back to work after having your kids?

Childhood Apraxia of Speech--Our Journey has just begun

For those that have never heard of Apraxia (as many have not), it is a neurological disorder that affects a child's ability to verbally communicate.  It's a motor-planning deficit, which basically means that the part of the brain that tells our mouth to form the thoughts in our head into words is impaired in a way.  I knew almost nothing about CAS prior to my 2 year being diagnosed with it just a few months ago.

I knew from the time that she was about 18 months that she was a little behind in her speech development.  At first, I just thought she was delayed and that she'd eventually catch up.  I told myself that after the new year, if she didn't start developing anymore words that I would call Early Intervention and have her evaluated.  By the time she was 21 months she only had about 7 words (approximations) so EI came and did their evaluation and my concerns became a reality.  According to their evaluation, she was developing beautifully in all areas except for expressive language, therefore qualifying for services.  Yay.  I was hopeful that this would be the answer for her (us) and she would begin speaking.  Not exactly.  The therapist that came to the house was great.  She worked with my daughter and they spent the hour playing productively.  But, nothing was happening.  She still wasn't talking.  We were doing everything they suggested to us.  Labeling, labeling, labeling everything in sight.  We gave her all of her liquids from a straw, we practiced blowing bubbles, we practiced animal sounds, we read books, we played.  We did it all, and no major speech developments were made.

It was frustrating.  It didn't help that all along, I though that there was something else going on with her that EI didn't address.  Why wasn't she talking?  And even more, when she did, it barely ever sounded like a real word--just sounds (approximations).  For example: muh=more, buh=book, dada=daddy, etc.  In addition, she continued to put everything in her mouth.  I was assured that this was "age appropriate" and that it usually resolves itself by age 2.

Nope.  It didn't.  It got worse.  She was biting, hitting, and pinching mainly out of frustration, but also because I suspected there was some oral-sensory things going on too (this typically occurs with children who have CAS).

So what is a parent to do when they have questions and concerns.  You go to Google.  That's where I found information on Childhood Apraxia of Speech and I couldn't believe how many of the indicators that my daughter had.  How had EI missed this?  It made me angry, because I felt like she needed more services than they were offering and now I am going to have to battle for them, and I wasn't sure how to go about doing this.  It's very intimidating for those who've never been in this position, but I had to do what was best for my daughter.

After thinking it through, I decided to take her to a private Speech therapist for an evaluation or basically a second opinion.  They were the ones who confirmed my suspicion of CAS.  We are fortunate enough to have insurance coverage for speech therapy!!!  Such a blessing.

We began therapy and we started to slowly see some development.  They assured me that my decision to bring her in for therapy now rather than later was a wise decision.  They assured me that 2 years old is NOT too young to be diagnosed with CAS.  They assured me that with commitment to speech therapy and practice at home that my daughter will speak.  It will be a long road, but she will talk.

Some days when she's whining and throwing fits because she can't get the words out of her mouth for why she's upset or tell me that she needs something, I feel like I'm in a tunnel and there's no way out.  I feel helpless because I can't figure out what she wants.  It sucks.  You see your beautiful, smart, kind little girl who wants nothing more than to talk to you.  You can see it in her eyes.  She wants to tell you that she's angry or upset.  She wants to tell you what she wants to play or watch on TV.  Some days it's just heartbreaking.

Then there are other days when she works her little butt off at therapy and she is beyond proud of herself.  Then you can see the happiness in her eyes.  The determination and hard work pays off.  I've never in my life seen a child give 100% at something that was so incredibly hard for them to do.  Most people would give up.  Not her.

It's no doubt that my little girl has a long, tough road ahead of her.  But, I know that God is challenging her because he knows she CAN handle this.  I might not have a clue what I'm doing, but I know she's got this.  She's going to teach me things that I never knew.  I am going to be a better parent because of her.  Some days I have to tell myself this in order to keep me going when I want to scream and give up.

This is just a snap shot in our journey with CAS.  There, undoubtedly, will be more to come.  We are learning as we go.

My sweet girl.

My big girl turns 5

It's late and I am tired, but I still wanted to write out this post so bear with me if I ramble and get off topic....

I don't know what it is about turning 5 but I think for me, it's the first of those "milestone" birthdays.  Tomorrow she's going to be a whole hand!  I look back (and even though it's only been 5 years) and my heart is filled with nothing but happiness and love.  She was my first baby.  My first for almost everything as a momma.   So far, at least.

Things were hard in the beginning.  I had to go back to work when she was only 8 weeks old.  I was a hot mess to say the least.  I missed her and my anxiety (something that really never existed for me before having children) ran through the roof.  I wanted nothing more than to be home with her.  But, that wasn't in the cards for many reasons, and still isn't.  After awhile we got in our groove and I learned to adjust to the huge change in my life.  She was such a good baby.  So pleasant and sweet.  She made you work for that smile, but made it well worth the effort.

Watching her grow into a toddler, and then a preschooler, and now a KINDERGARTNER!!!  I cannot believe it.  Sometimes I look at her and I can't believe what a well-rounded, smart, caring, and beautiful little person she is.  She loves everything about life and somedays I wish I had half her spirit and love for life.  I don't want that quality about her to ever change.  She's the type of kid who wakes up every.single.day in a good mood.  Always wakes up with smile on her face.  How is she my kid...because anyone who knows me, knows I'm nothing like that!  Her love for life is a gift that I hope she never lets anyone take from her.

God sent this little girl (and my other 2 babies) into my life and I couldn't be more blessed to be their mother.  Somedays are hard and sometimes I feel like the biggest failure on the planet.  I yell, I scream, and sometimes I'm not the nicest mom, yet she still loves me anyway.  She tells me almost everyday that I'm the greatest mom.  How is that possible?  How did I get so lucky to be given the gift of being a mom to her and her siblings?  Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for them.

So, tomorrow she turns 5 (actually at 4:29 a.m.) and we are going to fill her room with balloons for the 2nd year in a row.  Last year when we did it, she thought it was magical.  I hope she feels the same tomorrow.  I hope that she can still feel the magic years down the road.  I want all of her dreams to come true.

Happy 5th Birthday J!  Mommy loves you!

3 kids and the swim club...not for the weak.

So, our family has belonged to a swim club for 3 summers now.  It's fun.

Or should I say, used to be.  

Now, I'm not trying to go all Negative Nancy here, but when I tell you that bringing 3 kids under the age to a pool club for the afternoon is NOT for the weak.  Exhausting, frustrating, and gross only begin to scratch the surface.  Yes, I love to see the happy faces of my children as they scream and squeal and splash around.  They love playing with their friends and squirting each other with the water guns.  Yes, it's fun.  For awhile everyone is swimming and playing and....

.......then this happens.

You're sitting down trying to take a break after entertaining a 7 month old in the pool for a half hour while your 2 year-old has a snack.  Suddenly you see brownish water dripping from her seat.  You know immediately what it is.  Gross.

And so the fun begins.

Changing a dirty swim diaper (those things SUCK by the way) that is not only filled with poop, but is also drenched might be one of the nastiest things about motherhood.  It trumps an explosive blow-out diaper any day.  I won't gross you out with the details...I'm sure you get the picture.  You try to find a somewhat private place to change her because the last thing you want is other parents seeing her dripping in water-poop and thinking she contaminated the pool.  Gross.

So then you get her cleaned up and things are calm, until the 5 year old has to pee.  Then, the baby wants to nurse.  Next, the 5 year old is hungry.  After that, the 2 year old slips and falls in the split second you weren't watching her and you go leaping into the pool to rescue her.  Once she's calmed down and not crying hysterically, you think you have a second to just relax, maybe have a snack, check Facebook or just zone out while your husband holds down the fort for a few minutes.  HA!

At the end of the day, the kids had fun but it's one of those days of mommy-hood that you wish your kids were older, potty-trained, and able to feed themselves!  I know those days will come soon enough, and when they do, I'm sure I'll look back and laugh at the water logged-poopy diapers, breastfeeding in the heat, and countless trips to the potty with fondness and wish they didn't pass by so quickly.